Logs

### Virtous Intentions
There has been this idea that certain saccarficies are virtous inherently, Saving the princess from the castle,
Putting food on the table. 

The classic example of "would you steal to feed starving people". Stealing = Inherintly UnVirtuoues. Providing for those who need support = Virtuous.

Those idiologies largly steam from our Christan Influences in the west.

There is nothing that makes those actions inherinlty virtuous or "good".

No one deserves to eat, you are lucky. And most people in the modern age are extremly lucky.

I do not deserve this nice life behind this keyboard right now.

Most people belive they do, It makes sense. Its a human adaptation from centurious of mis-matched technologinal progress and Human production.

I can output 100 breads an hour thanks to all the asssitance I have recived and the asseciences I recive on a daily basis.

I havent had the urge to write in this journal in a while.

im guessing thats a good thing.

I recently finished listening to american kingpin.

nothing gets the blood pumping more then a nerd ruling the world behind his keyboard.

fucking intoxicating.

-----

I recently got a "bryan johnson" brain scan done.

turns out, i have a bunch of white blood cells surrounding the central nervous system connection in my brain,

holy shit, like holy shit. I knew i wasnt crazy. 

I just have to find out how to mitigate it.

and I should be good.

------

I tasted what it was like to be normal again recently,

and it was intoxicating, utter bliss.

working hard on "complex" problems.

thats what i want to do for the rest of my life.

its better then sex.

I think the biggest issue is my stress level,

i think that help contributes to my nervous system getting attacked.

im not very anxious about much anymore,

grew out of it.

its more feelings of dread or inadequacy, and looming stress,

but i figured out a solution,

just keep swimming.

it cranks into overdrive if im behind or late on something.

the solution?

dont do that. Never procrastinate and stay 2 steps ahead.

its calming.

seeing the ball from across the feild before it hits your face.

and hopefully it doesnt.

------

Ive figured out what makes me happy,

and what i can do to destress,

the answer isnt more relaxing.

its more work.

and im ready,

god and my body be willing.

life is good,

i hope i don't forget that again.

Im not sure why i felt so bad today,

i keep saying it's because I am not satisfied with my life.

but deep down i know thats not true.

maybe i had too much caffeine. or maybe it's because i feel inadequate in my personal and professional life.

im not sire why i feel this way so often.

im really not sure.

I cant let anyone know but you.

there is no sympathy for the weak.

at least i dont feel any.

most people, i suspect are the same.

must find a way to always put the best foot forward,

rule 1, always be ready to sell.


-----

I "broke up" with the girl i was "seeing" hannah.

im not upset, nor do i feel shitty. It was long overdue.

she is alot my upset then she is letting on.

-----

all that is going through my head is a way to make more money.

i belive i was born as an inadequate man,

atleast most precive me this way.

not sure why.

i probably never will.

the only way to win is to make more money.

-----

I want to work hard,

but its so hard. My head hurts and my body gives out.

im not sure what this "issue" is.

but its affected me for many years.

im not stressed, im not upset. Im just tired.

so tired.

------

i have been spending a retarded amount of money on stupid tests.

all private, blood work, mris.

everything is normal, AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY.

it does drive me a little crazy.

my best guess at the moment is gluten intolerance.

I watched a video about a man who was paralyzed due to it.

it apparently can cause somewhat severe symptoms in adults.

i hope thats it.

------

point to all this.

i have to preform.

and the dance can never stop.

it doesnt matter what is happening.

there is no pitty for the weak.

goodnight,

im going to go to some bars with my roomate,

i have a good feeling about it.

I talked to a new nuerologist today.

i no longer want to die.

i want to live.

i have hope for a better tommrow.

i am completing everything i need to do.

comaidering the descion before making it.

i am in a good position.

This can win.

lets win.

no one deserves to be outside.

stay grounded in this world.

please stay grounded.

i think your brain fog is leaving.

i think you figured it out.

but that is the least of your issues

stay grounded,

overwhelm and you leave your conscious.

easy to do if you have no sleep and no food.

your life is great.

organize it.

remove and throw away all unnecessary.

and go all in.

no half measures.

no backup.

no distractions.

you may always hate yourself and think your dumb.

the truth is that you are rarely present.

in the momment and present.

ask questions, ask dumb questions. consider what is being said and process it actively.

live a connected life.

you will always be alone and may always feel alone.

but that does not mean you cant take advantage of being an outsider.

you may feel like a bad programmer, but the truth is your just scared and impulsive, and fall back to auto complete everything.

instead of thinking it through and considering it.

what is the best way to design something

what did that person just say 

consider it all.

throw everything away and go all the way.

you will still need sleep and food and rest.

but there isnt a single problem on this earth that you can not figure out.

and win.

you need less caffine and more sleep.

genuinely walk or run in the morning to get rid of the hung over feeling.